Teaching our Children

Last Sunday, I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting. My talk was based off the scripture Mosiah 4:14-15. This is not a topic I am an expert on, by any means, so I did a lot of research and was able to find a lot of really great words from the prophets and apostles. I've decided to post my talk here, only because I want to be able to easily find this information again in the future to review and re-read. And very, very little of it is actually my own words - most of it comes directly from the wise leaders of the church. I'm so grateful that we have such wonderful resources that we can access to help us become better parents and better people. Here is the talk:

I’ve been asked to speak today on King Benjamin’s words to parents found in Mosiah 4:14-15.

14 And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the devil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.
15 But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.

In this scripture, King Benjamin points out in a very positive way how we can help our children, for he said we should teach them truth, teach them soberness, teach them to love one another, and teach them to serve one another.

Honestly, this is a topic that I feel quite inadequate to teach about. Considering that my second child is only a couple months old right now, I don’t have a lot of experience yet with them quarreling with one another, and my daughter finds it easy to love and serve her baby brother, who can’t tease or get into her things yet. I watch all of you parents here in this ward, and I am inspired by your examples, and know that many of the good things I know about parenting I’ve learned from you.

I grew up in a typical home. I was the oldest of four children, and though we loved each other, we definitely knew how to quarrel. Now that we are all adults, however, we are about as close as siblings can be. We love each other and consider each other dear friends. I’ve tried to think of what exactly my parents did to accomplish this, and I can’t come up with any one amazing thing other that they were persistent in constantly trying to teach us what is right.

As parents, we are always teaching.

Elder James E. Faust, stated: Being a father or a mother is not only a great challenge, it is a divine calling. It is an effort requiring consecration. President David O. McKay stated that being parents is “the greatest trust that has been given to human beings” (The Responsibility of Parents to Their Children [pamphlet, n.d.], 1).

Elder Faust continues, “While few human challenges are greater than that of being good parents, few opportunities offer greater potential for joy. Surely no more important work is to be done in this world than preparing our children to be God-fearing, happy, honorable, and productive. Parents will find no more fulfilling happiness than to have their children honor them and their teachings. It is the glory of parenthood. John testified, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth” (3 John 1:4). In my opinion, the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life. This is especially so when moral foundations of honor and decency are eroding around us. To have successful homes, values must be taught, and there must be rules, there must be standards, and there must be absolutes.”

Elder Richard J. Maynes said, “The responsibility for establishing a Christ-centered home lies with both parents and children. Parents are responsible to teach their children in love and righteousness. Parents will be held accountable before the Lord in how they perform their sacred responsibilities. Parents teach their children with words and through example” (Richard J. Maynes, “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

I want to focus on these two ways that our children will learn from us. 1. Through our words and 2. Through our example.

King Benjamin has said we should teach our children to love one another and to serve one another, and not to quarrel one with another.

THROUGH OUR WORDS
If we are to teach them these things, we must teach them the eternal truths of who they are. They need to know that they are a child of God. They must understand that everyone of us is a spirit child of our Heavenly Father, even family members who may irritate them. They need to comprehend the eternal nature of families that results from the binding covenants of the temple. They must know about their Savior, Jesus Christ, and His example, and have a desire to become like Him. They need to know how to repent and use the atonement to seek forgiveness and change and improve.

President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has stated the principle beautifully: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.”

These are things that we can teach through our words. As parents, we have been given the sacred responsibility to teach our children Christ-like attributes and gospel principles in the home. We cannot rely on others to teach the gospel to our children. We have been commanded to teach our children the gospel in our homes through weekly Family Home Evenings and daily scripture study and prayer. Opportunities for gospel teaching can also come in those quiet moments around the dinner table, while driving in the car, or during other daily interactions with each other.

Jeffrey R. Holland, in speaking of teaching our children in the home, said the following: “Do the best you can—if, for example, you keep trying to hold family home evening in spite of the bedlam that sometimes reigns in a houseful of little bedlamites—then give yourself high marks” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “An Ensign to the Nations,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

In addition, Elder Maynes recalled: “We learned that our children might not remember everything about the family home evening lesson later in the week, but they would remember that we held it. We learned that later in the day at school they would probably not remember the exact words of the scriptures or the prayer, but they would remember that we did read scriptures and we did have prayer. Brothers and sisters, there is great power and protection for us and our youth in establishing celestial traditions in the home” (Richard J. Maynes, “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

As parents, we will at times need to discipline our children. Even the best-taught among us make mistakes. Wise parents remember that disciplining is about teaching truth to our children. Lynn G. Robbins has wisely taught:

“When children misbehave, let’s say when they quarrel with each other, we often misdirect our discipline on what they did, or the quarreling we observed. But … their behavior—is only a symptom of the unseen motive in their hearts. We might ask ourselves, 'What attributes, if understood by the child, would correct this behavior in the future? Being patient and forgiving when annoyed? Loving and being a peacemaker? Taking personal responsibility for one’s actions and not blaming?' How do parents teach these attributes to their children? We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them. Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple and implies patience and teaching on our part. It should not be done in anger. We can and should discipline the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: 'by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge' (verses 41–42). … Through discipline the child learns of consequences. In such moments it is helpful to turn negatives into positives. If the child confesses to a wrong, praise the courage it took to confess. Ask the child what he or she learned from the mistake or misdeed, which gives you, and more important, the Spirit an opportunity to touch and teach the child. When we teach children doctrine by the Spirit, that doctrine has the power to change their very nature … over time” (Lynn G. Robbins, “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?” Apr. 2011 general conference).

THROUGH OUR EXAMPLE
Though it is vitally important that we teach our children, through words and lessons, the truths of the gospel, I believe that an even more powerful teaching tool is our own personal example.

If, as King Benjamin has said, we want our children to be loving, we must be loving. If we want our children to serve one another, we must be an example of service.

Involve your children in the daily service you already perform. When taking a meal to someone in the ward, invite your children to help prepare and deliver the meal. When serving in your calling, involve your children as it is appropriate. Recently, my husband received a blessing of health from two men in our ward. One of those wise fathers brought along his primary-aged son. What a great lesson for that boy, to watch his father as he served others and performed his priesthood duties.

President Eyring shared this sweet experience: “Three children recently carried containers holding a delicious dinner to our front door. Their parents knew that we needed help, and they included their children in the opportunity to serve us. The parents blessed our family by their generous service. By their choice to let their children participate in the giving, they extended blessings to their future grandchildren. The smiles of the children as they left our home made me confident that will happen. And their parents saw the opportunity to do good and spread joy over generations” (Henry B. Eyring, “Opportunities to Do Good,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

We should teach our children to serve in the home by our own example as well. Children should be expected to help and work together to keep the home clean and organized. If we personally complain about the housework, we can’t expect our children to do their chores cheerfully and with no complaining and whining. Instead, our children need to see our happiness in a well-organized home and we should teach them through our example that hard work can be a joy and bring feelings of peace and accomplishment. Our children should see us finding joy in the daily acts of service that we all do for our families. Whether it be preparing food or doing household chores, we should involve our children and do our best to make this a happy time.

Doing little acts of unexpected service for family members is another great way to teach our children about the joy of loving and serving one another. Every now and then, surprise your children by doing an unexpected act of love and service for them. For example, on occasional busy or tired days, I’ll do a chore that usually belongs to Katelee. It always surprises me just how much this small act means to her. Invite your children to help you ‘surprise’ other family members with unexpected little acts of service. Praise their efforts when they serve one another. Even simple things can become great bonding opportunities for a family. These memories will help children learn that great joy and peace come from serving one another.

In addition, if we want our children to get along and not quarrel with one another, they must not see us quarrel.

I am ashamed to admit that most of the unkind words that come out of my young daughter’s mouth she has probably heard come out of my mouth before. Our children listen to us. They watch us. And they learn from our examples. If we are bossy and demanding, they learn to be bossy and demanding. If we speak unkindly or sarcastically to one another, they learn to speak unkindly and sarcastically. If we argue, how can we then expect them not to argue?

I really love Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk from the April 2007 General Conference entitled “The Tongue of Angels.” In this address, Elder Holland taught us that our words and the tone of our voices can have a very lasting effect on those around us.

To you husbands he said: Husbands, you have been entrusted with the most sacred gift God can give you—a wife, a daughter of God, the mother of your children who has voluntarily given herself to you for love and joyful companionship. Think of the kind things you said when you were courting, think of the blessings you have given with hands placed lovingly upon her head, and then reflect on other moments characterized by cold, caustic, unbridled words. A husband who would never dream of striking his wife physically can break, if not her bones, then certainly her heart by the brutality of thoughtless or unkind speech. Brethren, these things ought not to be.

Elder Holland also had advice for wives. He taught: Wives, what of the unbridled tongue in your mouth, of the power for good or ill in your words? How is it that such a lovely voice which by divine nature is so angelic, so close to the veil, so instinctively gentle and inherently kind could ever in a turn be so shrill, so biting, so acrid and untamed? A woman’s words can be more piercing than any dagger ever forged, and they can drive the people they love to retreat beyond a barrier more distant than anyone in the beginning of that exchange could ever have imagined.

He continues: May I expand this counsel to make it a full family matter. We must be so careful in speaking to a child. What we say or don’t say, how we say it and when is so very, very important in shaping a child’s view of himself or herself. But it is even more important in shaping that child’s faith in us and their faith in God. Be constructive in your comments to a child—always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget—and to forgive. And try not to compare your children, even if you think you are skillful at it. You may say most positively that “Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright,” but all Susan will remember is that she isn’t bright and Sandra that she isn’t pretty. Praise each child individually for what that child is, and help him or her escape our culture’s obsession with comparing, competing, and never feeling we are “enough.”

I conducted a little experiment this week, while preparing for this talk. I tried, for a few days, to speak always with the tongue of angels. I tried to catch every thing that came out of my mouth, and make sure the words, the meaning, and the tone of voice was one fitting of an angel.

I learned a few things through this experiment.

First of all, I learned I am not nearly as angelic as I wish I were. My efforts were far from perfect.

But, I also learned through this experience that my effort, though flawed, brought about a definite change in the feeling of our home. The spirit was present in much more abundance. My efforts to speak lovingly and cheerfully and avoid quarreling or criticism of any kind was reflected in my family members. I noticed that my daughter complained and whined less and gave loving compliments more freely. Everyone was happier. There was less need for discipline, but when it was needed I was able to discipline in a more loving and patient manner that invited positive instruction. In short, our family became for a few days a little bit more like the family King Benjamin asked us to be. Loving, serving, and with no quarreling.

I am only one individual in my family, and my efforts in this experiment were so flawed, and yet the results were undeniable and very sweet. What if every one of us took on this same experiment? What powerful changes for good might result in each of our families?

As we work to accomplish all of this in our homes, we will do well to remember the important statement of President Harold B. Lee: “Remember that the most important of the Lord’s work that you [and I] will ever do will be … within the walls of [our] own home.” 10

“We understand and believe in the eternal nature of the family. This understanding and belief should inspire us to do everything in our power to establish a Christ-centered home” (Richard J. Maynes, “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home,” Apr. 2011 general conference).

At the end of his address to his people, King Benjamin leaves us with this counsel:

Mosiah 4:
27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.
30 But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.

I know our homes can be places of refuge, peace, and happiness, and that with the help of our Savior Jesus Christ we can become better parents, better sons, and daughters. I know that working to have a happy and tight-knit family will bring us great joy now and eternal blessings.