Earlier this month I had a very real and unexpected reason to believe I was pregnant. For five glorious days I walked around with a constant smile on my face and this swelling hope in my heart. It was the first time I had felt that hope in a long time. I kept trying to crush it, knowing I was going to be bitterly disappointed later. I argued with myself - after three years of trying, multiple fertility drugs and doctors, why would I suddenly be pregnant out of the blue? But I couldn't help it. The hope overwhelmed me and I gave into it, making plans in my head and torturing myself further, like I'm known to do.
Well, I'm definitely not pregnant. No big surprise there, right? But still, I was heartbroken all over again. I was so, so sad. And again (just like with the hope) I tried to fight it off. I tried to tell myself I had no right to be sad, because I had no right to be hopeful in the first place. I tried to remember all the reasons I have to be happy. But the fact remains, I was (am) sad.
And this experience is what led me to thinking about emotions. This life is a time to experience what it is to be human, to have feelings. Why do we try so hard to fight off and hide some of our emotions? In the end, I gave into my feelings of hope, and while it led to a bitter heartache, I don't regret it. I also came to the conclusion that I needed to embrace my sadness. It is okay to feel sad. It's part of life. And I am grateful that I get to experience this feeling called sad, because it helps me really appreciate happiness. And once I stopped fighting my sadness, I was able to get through it and start healing.
There's no shame in feeling sad or lonely or stressed . . . I find that when I'm honest with myself about my feelings and their sources, I can deal with them for what they really are and move forward. I'm also learning that when I am honest with myself and with others about how I am truly feeling, my relationships with others are strengthened. I am being true to myself; I stop pretending. I learn who my real friends are. I feel closer to my Heavenly Father.
And that makes me happy.
I'm sorry you were disappointed again. I'll be saying an extra prayer for you tonight. and here's an e-hug for you.
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Jenn, I am so so sorry for you. I wish you didn't have to feel sad about that. I can't even imagine your heartache. I am truely inspired by you though, you are so amazing to deal with your emotions so openly and graceously. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point about our emotions. We are feeling them for a reason, we should recognize them and be grateful for them. I am sorry for your disappointment though. Really, really sorry, and I hope my phone call didn't make it worse.
ReplyDeleteAlma the Younger spoke of both exquisite pain and joy. Our capacity for feeling grows every time we experience extremes, so our ability to feel that great joy can only come if we have also been through the great pain. We may not like it, but there is no other way to learn. All my love to you during this learning experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this...I needed to hear the things you said about emotion more than you can know. I am so so sorry as well. You are in my prayers.
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