I've been wanting to write for awhile now about my feelings concerning adopting a child, and our bonding with Blake in particular. It's hard for me to express my feelings on this topic, because they are so tender and near, but I feel it's important.
Recently, a well-meaning friend praised me for making the choice to adopt. As she put it, she thinks this is amazing because she loves her own children so, so much, but she doesn't love other peoples' children. I think my sweet friend was trying to give me a compliment by saying that I must have a more loving or open heart than she does, but her remark struck me like a slap in the face.
Because I don't think of Blake as someone else's child - at all or in any sense. Blake is my son.
The truth is, every parent and every child have to learn to bond, regardless of how that child comes to your family. Sometimes it happens more easily and naturally than others. This is how it happened for me.
Bonding with Katelee took more time than I expected. Katelee was born by emergency C-section. I had had an epidural some 8 hours previous to the operation, and though the doctors were certain I wouldn't feel a thing, they were very wrong. I felt the C-section. It was agonizing, and I could tell the doctors what they were doing, even though the sheet blocked my vision. They were stitching me up and I was in more pain that I had ever been in before when Gerald brought Katelee over to meet me. I looked at her. She was beautiful. But I couldn't process it right then. I felt like I was dying. Katelee wasn't breathing normally, so she was whisked off to the NICU, where she spent the next three days. The next time I was allowed to see her was 8 hours after her birth, and then I could only stroke her hand. I wasn't allowed to hold her until her 2nd day of life.
After going home, we settled into a routine. I loved Katelee and cared for her the very best I could. But it was hard, and I was exhausted, and nursing wasn't working out for us. I remember going in for my 6-week check-up with Katelee in tow. The nurse oohed and aahed over Katelee, and then turned to me and said, "Doesn't it just feel like she has always been part of your life and you can't imagine life without her?" I think I just stared blankly at that poor nurse, because honestly I didn't feel that bonded to Katelee yet. I did remember what life was like before she was born, and it was a life in which I could sleep all night and my days weren't controlled by a tiny person that couldn't even talk to me. I wondered what was wrong with me. In hindsight, I know I must have been suffering from some postpartum depression.
Despite the difficulties, however, within a few months of her life beginning, Katelee had her sweet little fingers so tightly wrapped around my heart that I knew I could never love anyone more than I love her. She is my princess, my sweet daughter, and I love her more than life itself. Now I can honestly say I could never, ever imagine my life without her. Our bonding came in time, but just not as quickly as I expected it to.
When we discovered we were expecting Blake, my adoption friends shared their experiences with me. I heard about all types of experiences, from "I knew she was my baby the second she was placed in my arms," to "I feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child." Just like when a parent gives birth to their baby, bonding comes in all sorts of timetables and circumstances. Nobody's situation is wrong or better; it's just unique for everyone.
When Blake was placed in my arms, my first thoughts were of how cute he was. He is simply the cutest baby boy I have ever seen! Oh, and that hair! I marveled at his perfection. But I didn't hear a heavenly choir or feel immediately like I was his mom. But I also wasn't worried about it. Maybe my experience with Katelee had somewhat prepared me. During our stay in the hospital, I began to fall more and more in love with Blake, but I still didn't really think of him as mine. Instead, I thought of him more as ours. We had such a beautiful time in the hospital together with Blake's birthfamily. We spent as much time together as we possibly could. We shared him, in a sense.
But when we got home, I held Blake almost every second that I could. I didn't worry one bit about spoiling him or any such nonsense. I just held him. A lot. And bonding took place much, much more quickly for me. I didn't have my own physical recovery to worry about, which I think helped in my personal case. Within a week of him coming home, I felt as bonded to Blake as I do to Katelee. He was my son, and I felt that in every sense of the word. While we were visiting family for Christmas, my sweet sister-in-law said to me, "It is not possible for anyone to love that baby more than you love him." And I agreed. No part of my heart has held back from falling utterly and completely in love with my baby boy.
I love my children so much. It doesn't even occur to me to take into consideration that one of my children came from my body and one of my children was sent to our family through adoption. It simply makes no difference. They are my children. They are both blessings. And I am their mother, in every possible sense of the word.
Recently, a well-meaning friend praised me for making the choice to adopt. As she put it, she thinks this is amazing because she loves her own children so, so much, but she doesn't love other peoples' children. I think my sweet friend was trying to give me a compliment by saying that I must have a more loving or open heart than she does, but her remark struck me like a slap in the face.
Because I don't think of Blake as someone else's child - at all or in any sense. Blake is my son.
The truth is, every parent and every child have to learn to bond, regardless of how that child comes to your family. Sometimes it happens more easily and naturally than others. This is how it happened for me.
Bonding with Katelee took more time than I expected. Katelee was born by emergency C-section. I had had an epidural some 8 hours previous to the operation, and though the doctors were certain I wouldn't feel a thing, they were very wrong. I felt the C-section. It was agonizing, and I could tell the doctors what they were doing, even though the sheet blocked my vision. They were stitching me up and I was in more pain that I had ever been in before when Gerald brought Katelee over to meet me. I looked at her. She was beautiful. But I couldn't process it right then. I felt like I was dying. Katelee wasn't breathing normally, so she was whisked off to the NICU, where she spent the next three days. The next time I was allowed to see her was 8 hours after her birth, and then I could only stroke her hand. I wasn't allowed to hold her until her 2nd day of life.
After going home, we settled into a routine. I loved Katelee and cared for her the very best I could. But it was hard, and I was exhausted, and nursing wasn't working out for us. I remember going in for my 6-week check-up with Katelee in tow. The nurse oohed and aahed over Katelee, and then turned to me and said, "Doesn't it just feel like she has always been part of your life and you can't imagine life without her?" I think I just stared blankly at that poor nurse, because honestly I didn't feel that bonded to Katelee yet. I did remember what life was like before she was born, and it was a life in which I could sleep all night and my days weren't controlled by a tiny person that couldn't even talk to me. I wondered what was wrong with me. In hindsight, I know I must have been suffering from some postpartum depression.
Despite the difficulties, however, within a few months of her life beginning, Katelee had her sweet little fingers so tightly wrapped around my heart that I knew I could never love anyone more than I love her. She is my princess, my sweet daughter, and I love her more than life itself. Now I can honestly say I could never, ever imagine my life without her. Our bonding came in time, but just not as quickly as I expected it to.
When we discovered we were expecting Blake, my adoption friends shared their experiences with me. I heard about all types of experiences, from "I knew she was my baby the second she was placed in my arms," to "I feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child." Just like when a parent gives birth to their baby, bonding comes in all sorts of timetables and circumstances. Nobody's situation is wrong or better; it's just unique for everyone.
When Blake was placed in my arms, my first thoughts were of how cute he was. He is simply the cutest baby boy I have ever seen! Oh, and that hair! I marveled at his perfection. But I didn't hear a heavenly choir or feel immediately like I was his mom. But I also wasn't worried about it. Maybe my experience with Katelee had somewhat prepared me. During our stay in the hospital, I began to fall more and more in love with Blake, but I still didn't really think of him as mine. Instead, I thought of him more as ours. We had such a beautiful time in the hospital together with Blake's birthfamily. We spent as much time together as we possibly could. We shared him, in a sense.
But when we got home, I held Blake almost every second that I could. I didn't worry one bit about spoiling him or any such nonsense. I just held him. A lot. And bonding took place much, much more quickly for me. I didn't have my own physical recovery to worry about, which I think helped in my personal case. Within a week of him coming home, I felt as bonded to Blake as I do to Katelee. He was my son, and I felt that in every sense of the word. While we were visiting family for Christmas, my sweet sister-in-law said to me, "It is not possible for anyone to love that baby more than you love him." And I agreed. No part of my heart has held back from falling utterly and completely in love with my baby boy.
I love my children so much. It doesn't even occur to me to take into consideration that one of my children came from my body and one of my children was sent to our family through adoption. It simply makes no difference. They are my children. They are both blessings. And I am their mother, in every possible sense of the word.
I am grateful that I have been blessed in my life to experience these two different ways of having a child join our family. And I am so, so thankful for both of my little miracles.
This was simply beautiful, Jennifer. And thank you for the insight to the common mistakes that we make when we have never experienced certain things. I will do my best to be more sensitive to things like this that I might show kindness in such a way that the person receiving it doesn't have to wonder what my intentions were. :) Your feelings are strong, pure, and loving. Your children are blessed to have you.
ReplyDeleteThis was simply beautiful, Jennifer. And thank you for the insight to the common mistakes that we make when we have never experienced certain things. I will do my best to be more sensitive to things like this that I might show kindness in such a way that the person receiving it doesn't have to wonder what my intentions were. :) Your feelings are strong, pure, and loving. Your children are blessed to have you.
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